I've been thinking about writing this for some time now, but never quite had the words. Today I decided that I needed to remember. The nice thing about a blog is that it feels like a journal that can be shared. In this instance, I wanted to do both.
This month, one year ago, we lost a precious baby through miscarriage. We named our child, Emmanuel (God with us), because even in the midst of our pain we knew God was there. In the midst of my deep sadness at the time, I found the words of the song 'Blessed Be Your Name' by Matt Redmond* welling up in me. What I especially appreciated about the song was that it is one that does not gloss over the pain of blessing the Lord when we are in "the desert place" or on "the road marked with suffering" and we choose to bless the Lord even though it is hard.
Six months later, almost to the day, we lost another precious child. No name seemed to fit this precious baby, except one that meant something like "child of my sorrow" and I found myself wishing I spoke Hebrew so that I could create such a name. When we lost this baby, my heart was truly broken and in some ways I think it always will be. As I struggled with my grief and anger over the loss, I thought of people who have pushed God away because of pain that cannot be explained, and it was as if I heard the Lord say, "You do not want to leave, too, do you?" My heart said with Peter, "Lord, to whom [would] I go? You are my life" (John 6:66-69). Beyond that, I had no other words.
Many times, even now, my heart still feels broken and I realize it at what seem like the oddest moments. When I see an acquaintance who doesn't know and she asks, "Are you going to have any more kids?" and I find myself struggling to answer that simple question. Or when I meet someone new and they ask me how many kids I have and I answer 3, but feel as if I'm hiding something. And I guess that is the whole reason I felt compelled to write this blog. I wanted to openly remember the two babies whom I didn't get to meet and yet forever changed who I am. Even when there are no easy answers, it seemed important just to remember how my heart was broken.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
My Broken Heart
*See the complete lyrics to the song here:http://www.lyricsbox.com/matt-redman-lyrics-blessed-be-your-name-pfs45jc.html
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6 comments:
Paula, Thanks for this memorial. As you know, I am not very deeply in touch with this tragedy of ours, and I appreciate the prompting this post provides. I particularly want to tell you how much I like the part where you expressed your wish that you could speak Hebrew so that you could create a name for our second unborn child. I think a good part of processing our world is learning to name things. I am learning, however, that what is most important is to trust even when we face things we can't name.
Very moving. Very brave. Thank you.
Paula,
Your openness is precious in the sight of the Lord, and so like the love that our Heavenly Father has for us. It reminds me of (and makes me grieve) that it was MY sin that led His Son to die.
Thank you for stirring my heart, as well as reminding us of your lost little ones, so that we may know how best to hold you up in our prayers.
Debbs
Paul tells us,"Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15). When I was younger, I used to imagine this meant two seperate and distinct times in life. Now I know that causes for rejoicing and mourning can happen in the midst of one another. So, thank you to all of you who have read this and mourned with me. Miscarriage can be such a secret sorrow, that it is comforting just to share.
Paula
I am at a loss for words, Paula. Though I have always been grateful I never had to suffer in that way, I wish I had some idea what it is like so I would have an idea what you and so many others I love have gone through. We're told somewhere in the Bible to comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received from/in Christ and though I can't do that this time, I appreciate what you wrote b/c it gives me a glimpse of some of what you are still going through and will always carry with you. Thanks for sharing your broken heart with us.
Hey Paula,
I'm a little late commenting on this here but wanted to just say that I was so very saddened to hear of your losing both of your little ones... and even though I'm far away I was thinking of you and that sadness each time we talked. Please forgive me for not showing all the sympathy I felt...I knew your pain was great and I just didn't have words or any way to really help. But I was thinking of you and I was so sad too.
Also, though, I am so glad to see that God has kept you so strong to keep going after all of this. I'm sure there have been days when it was really difficult. I will be praying for you to continue to have courage and strength every day, and healing.
Love you!
Stacie
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